Courtney Stodden Goes Tits Up

 Courtney Stodden turns up in the celebrity rags once in a while because she was married to a 53 year old man when she was 17, plus she has big tits that she lets hang out all over the place, and as we've discussed in the past, people like big tits and age gaps, especially in Europe. So achieving both in one person is a magical path to success, especially if Courtney Stodden is someone you consider a celebrity.

If you want to know what the big Courtney Stodden news was, she was pretty much on a boat with her tits hanging out while hired paparazzi types took her picture. So now you're pretty much up to speed. I don't know how she makes enough money from this to buy food but apparently she does. ...

Sex and the Shitty

 Sarah Jessica Parker something something Sex and the City blahblahblah. You can't be serious. This show was ridiculous 20 years ago. You're not actually going to watch this garbage dump are you? No way Sarah Jessica Parker is 56 years old, have you seen some of the other 56 year olds on this blog? Do you think we're really this stupid? . She looks like a California Raisin. Why is she dressed like The Jokers' mom?  If I was capable of emotion I'd wet my pants laughing at this totally asinine... show.

Is watching this show the female equivalent of guys in their 40s starting a band? I remember being practically forced at gun point to watch a couple of episodes of the original series and I can tell you, I'd rather bite down as hard as I can on a wood file and have it dragged out of my teeth that sit through this torture chamber.

Vanessa Hudgens is All Action

 Vanessa Hudgens was in a bikini again. That's pretty much the whole story. I wasn't going to write this because it's stupid but she's cute, plus having a third post in one day "looks" better. It used to be a standard thing a decade or so ago to have three posts in a day, but now that you halfwits have an almost insatiable thirst for non-stop 24 hour content and creators deciding to give it to you have created a monster and a world where now Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini playing in the sprinkler is big news. 

Hey that's cool with me I like Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini. It's YOU I don't like.

UPDATE!! This was the third post but I pitched the second one because I didn't like it. If you think the inaccuracy makes me a liar, maybe call my mom and tell her all about it.

Robin Wright is Out of Her Penn

 
 Robin Wright Penn went to the beach with someone they called her husband (no pictures available) and her daughter, Somethingsomething Penn, I guess from when she was married to Ol' Coconut Husk Face.   They said she's 55 years old and she's pretty much giving Elizabeth Hurley a run for her money. I have an idea, if you two want to send me some "pictures" to be a sort of tie breaker. I can decide in the privacy of my home. As usual I mention her age because the internet and The Daily Mail where I steal most of these pictures from are absolutely obsessed with age, and race. As opposed to other sites like E! that are obsessed with race and, age.  Because sites like those tend to skew toward people in their 20s. I don't know why you'd want to gain favor with a bunch of 20 year olds but whatever, it's your life.

By the way in case you're 11 years old she was in The Princess Bride, a great movie which is probably why you recognize her name. Robin's supposed "husband" is some 37 year old French guy who's name I didn't catch, that probably smells.

 What is it with you women picking these French guys all the time. Their national hero is Inspector Clouseau for Christ's sake, or at least it was while people in Europe still had a sense of humor, instead of being a bunch of friggin crybabies like they are now. It's really unbelievable. Maybe we should have just let Hitler have the whole place back in the 40s and been done with it.

!!!EMERGENCY SHARON STONE UPDATE!!!

 Evidently Sharon Stone has a chain wallet. Don't tell me she doesn't, I can see it right there. If she's on her way to a farmer's market in Evanston in her Subaru Forester then all of my years long suspicions will finally be confirmed.

Carol Vorderman has a Good Job

Carol Vorderman was showing off her tits again. It's good work if you can get it. All you need are tits.

Olivia Culpo is Still "Famous"

 Olivia Culpo was in a bikini. I still have no idea what she does, what with the whole internet world blurring the line between being actually famous and being Instagram famous, especially for women. I bet if you asked 1000 people who Olivia Culpo was, not a single one of them would have any idea. But this isn't what this is about. This is actually about having "abs".

There's an old saying, "abs are made in the kitchen". Having good abs is 95% about diet, NOT doing sit-ups. You probably have to have (for men anyway) below 8% body fat to have a six-pack. 5-6% would be better. A "fitness" person has between 14 and 17%. That's someone that works out diligently and watches what they eat. Do you know how difficult it is to achieve 8 percent? It becomes a second job. That's why maybe 20% of the adult human population has great looking abs. And frankly some people are just born that way. It's not impossible to do at all, but it takes an almost superhuman dedication.

The other drawbacks - and they're big ones if you ask me - are two things. Being that thin tends to make you look sickly (outside of pictures) and you get that beach ball head. It looks disproportionate to the rest of her body. Which is fine, if that's what you want. Don't feel too badly though I'm sure there's a ton of make up highlighting her stomach muscles and a Jet Propulsion Laboratory level photo shop job on top of that. But if you want a sexy stomach like me, go for it.

Lizzo Lives Large and Dangerously

 Lizzo went out to dinner in a shirt that said "FAKE BOOBS". No explanation was offered for said shirt, or why she went with Lando Calrissian. Maybe they were presenting her with her Tatooine uniform. Frankly it looks a little uncomfortable, but I'm sure they know what they're doing. .

Gavin Rossdale is Still Relevent

 I can't believe it's 2021 and I'm STILL writing about Gavin Rossdale. Bush was 30 years ago. THIRTY. Have you heard a single thing about this guy since then.  Be honest. Don't be an internet bullshitter. I'll answer the question for you. No. You haven't. Except who he's married too. There are few bands in existence that I hate more than Bush. I hated them then, and I hate them more now. Don't you people ever try anything new? I can hear you now

Here's my spotify list, it's all bands from the 90's

Whatever they're your ears. If you want to poison them that's fine with me just keep it down so I don't have to hear it. 

 Anyway, he has a new girlfriend who's name is also Gwen. Gwen Blahdablah. No one really knows and no one will care what her name is 364 days from now.  And she kind of looks like Gwen. I have to imagine there's some kind of psychological weirdness going on here. Good thing I don't care enough to look anything up to find out what it is or continue writing about it.

 

!!!BREAKING BILLIE EILISH NEWS!!!

Billie Eilish got a new haircut. Pretty exciting huh? I guess she wanted to look good while she walked around in her shitty t-shirt. I've heard a couple Billie Eilish songs and they seem completely standard, and totally unremarkable to me, so I never really understood the appeal, but internet people and (mostly) liberal types seem to tend to pick somebody to circle their wagons around and  this time she somehow managed to get picked. That's why occasionally you still hear about Amy Winehouse even though most people can only name one song she did and she's been dead for 10 years. Come to think of it, Amy Winehouse  had really awful hair too. Maybe somebody should be keeping an eye on Bobbie or Jillie or whatever her name is

Sean Penn is Helpful

Sean Penn only wants people that have been vaccinated against Covid-19 to see his new movie, "Flag Day"

But I do always feel at this point in time that I have to say that I hope, I'd ask, that as much as I want people all to go to the theater, I really only want people who are vaccinated and are safe to themselves and each other to go

I actually think it's a great idea. That would be a lot more than the usual number of people that see Sean Penn movies.

Nicole Scherzinger is Dumb

Nicole Scherzinger worked out in her bikini, and even for a C-List celebrity this is pretty stupid. And that's really saying something. This is why I don't write about her anymore. Usually.
 

Rebel Wilson Did Good

 Rebel Wilson lost 60 pounds. Good. She should. She doesn't even look like the same person. I wouldn't know that was her if you didn't tell me. Losing 60 pounds is hard work and she deserves all the credit in the world, because despite what some lunatics on the internet want you to believe, being obese isn't good, it isn't sexy or curvy, and it isn't empowering. Looking like a Weddell Seal doesn't make you a Queen. It makes you a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen.

I'm not talking about vanity weight where your 32 waist jeans don't fit and now you need a 34. I'm talking about the kind of being obese where you're sweating while you eat. The kind of fat where you need a mobility scooter to get around. The 300,000 people a year that die with obesity being the leading cause because you can't stop stuffing your face is a close second when it comes to the 480,000 people a year that die directly from smoking. But if you want to continue being a whale instead of being sexy like me and Rebel Wilson, I'm sure we can rent a forklift to drive your coffin to the cemetery.

Selena Gomez is Kind of Dumb

 Selena Gomez says she felt like she was "over sexualized" when she was younger. Of course she said this while wearing a blonde wig, a corset, fishnet stockings, and high heels  so I guess it's kind of hard to argue with her about that. 

Lottie Moss is a Succubus

 I'm writing about Lottie Moss again even though I'm not 100% sure that's actually her. Why does she look so weird? She looks like the virginal girl in an 80's horror movie that was sexy but untouchable, only now she's been  taken over by a demon. Like it's the same person but now she's an evil slut that only wants to have sex with you so she can steal your soul. The audience can tell she's evil now, but the guy that's trying to bang her doesn't care. I have to say I think I'm on his side here. Here's how the male brain functions in this scenario...

Sure she's been possessed by a demon and if I fuck her she'll steal my soul, and drag me to Hell. But if I fuck her and get out of the house fast enough her plan will never work. 

Simple. I really don't know why you guys need me to explain this to you. 

 

Saweetie is Taking a Three Hour Tour

 Saweetie was at Summer Jam in New Jersey too but she was dressed like a sexy Gilligan. This must've been the weirdest costume contest ever. And yes I know I said I wasn't going to write about her anymore, but I'm trying to secure a spot at the next Trashy Woman Meet Up and every little bit helps. If any of you would forward these links to them I'd appreciate it.

Cardi B Oozes... Class

 Cardi B dressed up like a trashy Peg Bundy for the Halloween costume contest part of Summer Jam in New Jersey. I bet she won. First prize? 400 cigarillos and a case of Four Loko. Actually for New Jersey this is pretty upscale. No word yet on whether or not anyone got shot, but my money is on yes.

They Should Call Him the Grape Head

 The Rock or - Dwayne Johnson - was at the gym pumping stuff. Of course he has a Dodge Ram pickup, why wouldn't he. He's just Arnold Schwarzenegger re dux. I have nothing against him personally and I've never met him, but all this working out and these giant lifted pick up trucks I can pretty much guarantee this guy has a dick that's about three inches long. I can with 100% honesty look you straight in the eyes and tell you I've never seen even one second of a movie with Dwayne Johnson in it. 

P.S. I didn't doctor that picture as far as you know

Jennifer Hudson Rollin Down the River

 Remember Jennifer Hudson? Boy I sure do. I have vague memories of her like you might have of a cute girl on a Sunday morning after pounding tequila shots in a bar on a Friday night for six straight hours and then waking up in a park without your wallet. I think she won an Oscar. I don't remember for what, probably a movie.  Wow Covid lock down really fucked up everything. People worked their fingers to the bone and sucked every dick they could find to get famous and in 18 months it was all wiped out.  Anyway, this all had something to do with Aretha Franklin which explains why she's wearing a tent. I remember back in the early 90s every hair metal band that was desperate to legitimize their existence while "grunge" was executing them like dogs in a PETA rescue center all did a cover of "Chain of Fools" so every single shitty band in Chicago managed to pick the worst Aretha Franklin song all at once. Life is funny.

Shawn Mendes is Huge

 They said Shawn Mendes was out meeting his fans and showing off his "toned" arms. Well... they're arms that's for sure. He better be careful he doesn't get too muscular because then it starts to be a problem finding shirts that fit right. Just look, he already has to cut off the sleeves so those pythons of his don't mess up the hems. This all somehow has something to do with a new album or something he's got coming out. It seems unlikely anyone gives a shit but they must, there's pictures of people waiting to meet him right there. I suppose it's more probable that it's a gay pride parade but I don't think they'd allow a one person parade to block an entire street, but it's New York so whoever knows what those assholes are up too. 

Britney Spears is in Trouble

What did I tell you...

 Spears' housekeeper told deputies that she had taken one of her famous employer's dogs to the veterinarian and claimed there were issues with the animal's treatment

 When the housekeeper returned home at around 10.25am on Monday, she was allegedly confronted by Spears about her dog's well-being.

The argument between the Oops, I Did It Again songstress and her staff member then escalated and turned physical, with Spears swatting a phone out of the housekeeper's hands, according to the woman.

 She hasn't been out from under the conservatorship for barely a week and she's already being investigated for battery. Whether it's true or not is not the point. Did you hear stories like this about her while her father was in charge? Never. Not once. Not in THIRTEEN years. She's been left to her own devices for little more than seven days and now this. Good job everybody. This is reason number 8 billion why you don't listen to idiots on the internet.

Eiza Gonzalez Does Stuff

 Eiza Gonzalez went out for coffee and totally didn't know someone would be taking her picture. I can't believe people are still talking about this woman. For real, who is she. It's not as if I've ever heard anyone say "I'd love to see the new Eiza Gonzalez movie, I can't wait!"  I guess I'm writing about her but in my defense I have to have some kind of picture for you people to click on. I can't add loud noises and whirling shiny things on here yet,  so attractive girls in short tennis outfits will have to do. 

Pre-Posting Update. Please stop wearing slippers outside of the house. This goes for everybody.

!!!BREAKING PARIS HILTON NEWS!!!

 

 

!!!!NEWS FLASH!!!! 

 

**PARIS HILTON AND KIM KARDASHIAN ATE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES LATE AT NIGHT WHEN THEY GOT HOME**

Back in the day when we would go out at night we'd come home late and make grilled cheeses.

Isn't that awesome? She went on a late night talk show and said this. The people in charge of this talk show invited her on to talk about this. You made this happen. This is because of you. You people really should be ashamed of yourselves.  You can't really be this thick. Yes I realize I'm writing this but I'm not watching Jimmy Fallon, YOU are. 

Honestly though she's gotten much hotter as she's gotten older. I think she's 40 now. Hey if you're bored look up "Paris Hilton sex tape". She's really good at it. Just saying.

 

Natalie Portman Goes Green

 Natalie Portman dressed up like an old lesbian going to a Greenpeace meeting and walked her dog. She looks skinny. And not a good skinny, I hope she's okay. All of this excitement comes after she dropped out of some movie that was filming in Australia for "personal reasons" and hightailed it back to the US before the Australian government locked everyone in their homes because 400 people got sick out of a population of 26 million. I can't imagine why she didn't want to stay.

 I think what she did was wrong. Elsa Pataky lives there you know. Plus that Thor guy is always walking around with his shirt off, why would you want to miss all of that? That other guy lives there too, the American actor. The one with the abs. Michael or Chris something? I can't think of his name, Pete I think. You know, the guy? I think he was in the Baywatch movie with the wrestler? If you think of his name give me a call. 

Joshua Jackson is a Detective

Joshua Jackson says the internet is racist. It's hard to believe that a 43 year old man could be so new to the internet...

The Affair star, 43, said he was shocked by the racist words left for the model-actress, 34, calling it 'a real education for [him] as a white man, truly.

'The way people get in her comments and the ignorance and ugliness that comes her way is truly shocking,' he said. 'And it has been a necessary, but an unpleasant education in just the way people relate to Black bodies in general, but Black female bodies in specific. It is not okay. We have a long way to go.'

His wife is Jodie Turner Smith A woman he married two months after they met. Hey who knows it could be one of history's greatest romances. Congratulations finding out people all over the world are shitty. What's up next, finding out the sky is blue? Keep an eye on these two, in five years you'll have no memory of them.

More Site News

 I looked around, quite a bit actually, but there's something happening in Afghanistan but I don't know what - and apparently neither does President Shit For Brains. I looked for celebrity news but apparently human suffering is more important because it's all anyone is talking about. Well... except for Basement Joe. Maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow and Jessica Simpson's shirt will fall off. Fingers crossed!

BRITNEY SPEARS TOPLESS

 Britney Spears says she didn't get a boob job and she's not pregnant. 

'No guys ... I didn't get a boob job in just a week ... nor am I pregnant ... I have boobs in these pics cause I devoured food!!!!' 

Pregnant? Is everyone looking at different pictures than I am? So let me get this straight. Britney Spears is walking around essentially naked, wearing red go-go boots and your first thought is "Hmmm I wonder if she got a boob job" WHO FUCKING CARES YOU IMBECILE. Jesus Christ I have no idea how most of you make it home alive at the end of the day. Seriously. 

She looks great in the picture on the right by the way. Once in a while they catch her looking pretty natural, and not so... vacant.  Who actually took these pictures? Don't you wonder that? That's never mentioned. Ever. Why is she constantly by herself? Just a reminder that we can fix that Brit. Hey it's just a suggestion.

 

Site Update

 

Look man I'm trying with this bullshit okay? I don't get a whole lot to work with, I get handed a lot of bottom of the barrel stuff and I do my best. Maybe something will happen later today I don't know

She's a Bad Maya Jama

 Have I written about Maya Jama before? I don't think so. I think I'd remember a ridiculous name like "Maya Jama", if that's even her real name. She's some DJ blah blah blah... Radio One... something about Kendall Jenner... yadda yadda... They say she's 27 years old and I was going to dispute that like I usually do but there are a lot of pictures of her on fancy vacations, drinking what I'm sure is "top shelf" liquor and flying in private jets which is exactly the kind of attitude you'd expect from someone that was still in their 20s . I didn't see anything about Bentley's or Rolls Royce or limousines but you can bet your ass they're somewhere on her Instagram.  I'm tried of talking about these kind of idiots but she looks like that in a bikini and you know the rules here.

Elizabeth Hurley is Boring

 I've threatened to quit writing about Elizabeth Hurley before because this is pretty much all she does. Liz I get it, you're fucking smokin' hot, but it's not enough. I mean is that ALL you are?  Do you do anything else at all besides take pictures of yourself? It's really not good. I'm telling you as a friend and lover, try to expand a little bit. Tell some jokes or something despite what your friends tell you, normal guys LOVE smart and funny women. A lot of women are hot. Seriously this blog is full of them, but c'mon

Allie Rae Quit Being a Nurse

 "Allie Rae" used to be an ICU nurse. They keep saying neonatal, like helping babies in the ICU somehow makes her more Mother Theresa like. They do that for you you know. They know you'll see "baby nurse" and fall all over yourselves. But that's neither here nor there, she was a nurse. Until her coworkers found her OnlyFans and ratted her out. Apparently she earns anywhere from $65-$75,000 a month doing this. Of course she is. You don't think they'd write this story about some whale that was earning $280 a month from sick perverts with some bizarre fat-fetish online do you? Of course not, not enough people would click on that...

In December 2020, after nearly nine years on the job, six nurses in her unit stumbled across some of her photos online and reported them to their boss.

“They informed my manager about that and I was called into the office about their social media policy,” shares Rae. “It got uncomfortable, where I felt people were concentrating more on my performance outside of the hospital versus my performance in the hospital.”

 “They (co-workers) subscribed and paid to my OnlyFans account to screenshot it and bring it to my manager,” recalls Rae. “It was like Mean Girls for adults.”
 

So am I to believe six women working together got catty and ratted out the most attractive woman among them in order to get her fired? Say it isn't so. I'm shocked to my core. I ran a business once with as many as five employees all working together. Five 20-somethig women. It was a living Hell on Earth. All the bullshit that goes on between women very nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown, and I'm not joking either. It's like constantly being waterboarded 24 hours a day. But I'm not getting into all of that right now maybe some other time.

 I'm only writing this to tell you how you too can earn $75,000 a month on OnlyFans. It's super easy. Ready? Here goes

Step 1. Look like that
Step 2. See step one

That's really all there is too it.

 

Well... what are you waiting for? Go get that money. 

Britney Spears is Maid for Me

 Britney Spears dressed like a maid, or some kind of futuristic flight attendant or something, and it has something to do with her father and her conservatorship or something like that? Honestly I really don't know, it's all very weird and it's just celebrity blogs trying to fill space. Listen I know what I said before about keeping an eye on you. Just bring your outfits and stay over here at my place, I have an extra room, I'll even sleep on the couch I swear.  Would you like some wine? Maybe it'll help you relax. Hey did you bring that maid outfit by any chance?

Iggy AzaleaIggy Azalea is (a) Dope

I was going to write about Iggy Azalea and it was some story where she was bragging about how much money she has or some other such classless, bougie behavior someone like Iggy Azalea would commit, and I didn't even read past the first six words of the source story's first sentence. Maybe she's so rich she buys the extra special brandy and the limited edition Black and Milds who knows. There isn't a person on this Earth I care less about than Iggy Azalea, so I most likely won't be writing about her anymore. So if you need Iggy Azalea news try Google. Or maybe Bing.

Lindsay Shookus Has the Mark

Ben Affleck's ex-girlfriend Lindsey Shookus doesn't have covid, she's not immunocompromised, she has all of her limbs, doesn't need a wheelchair and looks like a perfectly average, if not attractive 40 year old woman. Well, there is the whole Ben Affleck thing but let's not get into that. You see she has a birthmark on her leg. And of course she posted about it on Instagram.  Also by the way, she wants you to know it doesn't bother her. I don't know how she could be so brave and empowering, what with that big birthmark on her leg,  but she's my hero talking so openly about having a birthmark. If I was talking to her, I'd be way less concerned about that then the fact that she slept with Ben Affleck on what I'm sure was many occasions.

So now here we are. We've reached the bottom of the barrel as far as personal bravery stories go I guess. Now we're down to birthmarks. She says "none of us are ever defined by one thing', but she is now isn't she. Setting aside the unfortunate Ben Affleck thing, now any time I hear the name Lindsay Shookus I'll immediately think, "Oh that girl with the leg". So thank you for speaking your truth, Now, instead of the lady I thought was cute, I'll just think of your birthmark which I probably would have noticed but not really thought much of. Good job.

Eminems Kid Says They're Cool Now

 Eminem's kid came out as "non-binary", whatever the fuck that means. Can we stop with all of this now please. No one gives a fuck. This is the new "soap eating challenge". And you never have to actually prove anything. You can say you're non-binary but you never have to actually have sex with anyone that proves you are. See? It's just fashionable. It was kind of like this in the early 70s when David Bowie did it, and being "androgynous" was all the rage. So you're hardly original.  

No one gives a fuck about Eminem either and hasn't for many years.  Why do you care? Why does this person think we care? See this is nothing more than self-centered arrogance. These people think they're actually important enough that we care about their personal decisions. I can't even be bothered enough to find out this persons name and I still have the source story open on a different tab, all I'd have to do is click over, what makes them think I give a shit who they're fucking?  I like girls and even I don't run around telling people I want to have sex with their mom. Okay sometimes I do but I'm just a jerk.

Margot Robbie Stars in a Thing

 Margot Robbie is in the new Wes Anderson movie, I don't know anything about it, I refuse to learn, and I'll never ever see it I just like Margot Robbie.

Britney Spears is Free

 Britney Spears' father Jaime has stepped down as her conservator. His lawyer released a statement...

'There are, in fact, no actual grounds for suspending or removing M. Spears as the Conservator of the Estate ... and it is highly debatable whether a change in conservator at this time would be in Ms. Spears' best interests. 

'Nevertheless, even as Mr. Spears is the unremitting target of unjustified attacks, he does not believe that a public battle with his daughter over his continuing service as her conservator would be in her best interests.'

You all won. I bet you're popping champagne corks as we speak. Not good champagne though, whatever you bougie idiots think is good, like Manischewitz most likely. Or maybe some VS labeled cognac. Not even VSOP. Anyway, I predict she's in very deep trouble by the end of the year. Maybe not financially because it would be nearly impossible to blow $60 million dollars in six months but it wouldn't surprise me at all if she wound up dead. Is that mean? Maybe. But life is mean. And life doesn't care what idiots on Twitter think. Trust me, I hope I'm wrong. I'll tell you what, I'LL go keep an eye on her myself. She still has that sport coat right?

SITE UPDATE

 

 

I don't know if I'll have anything else for today, I don't have anything written ahead of time, and we've been having some pretty bad storms around here and I didn't realize it but I guess I woke up in Venezuela this week because we've been having pretty much daily power outages and I'm not doing this shit on my phone but who knows, I have some ideas and maybe we'll get lucky

Dua Lipa has a Mom

 Okay so maybe I was a little quick to judge Dua Lipa's mom Anesa. Look I'm sorry. I was just in a mood, you know works been a hassle and I have some other things going on, you know what I mean Anesa? Of course you do here, let me rub your shoulders. 

Dua Lipa's Mom is Important

 Dua Lipa continues to prove what a good singer she is by constantly posting pictures of herself barely dressed on Instagram. What a talent. I wonder if posting naked pictures is something you're born with or if you have to develop that. Here she is in Albania, the vacation capital of the world. Of all the places on planet Earth, you chose Albania?  Okay whatever if that's your thing who am I to argue. Maybe she went there to watch a civil war or something. 

By the way, that woman in the back on the right is her mom. Yep. That's right. Her mom. Judging by her boobs I bet she's a singer too. Hey I'm just holding her to the same standard as Dua. If you don't like the rules, don't make me follow them.

Hayley Hasselhoff is Enviable

 I was going to write about Hayley Hasselhoff and then I decided against it. They described her by saying she had "enviable curves" so thank God I have something to aspire too now.

Ben Affleck Studies the World

 Ben Affleck walked around grinning like an idiot. If you want more context there isn't any. This is the whole story. Where's your mask asshole. .

Lila Moss is a Teenage Underwear Model

 Kate Moss' 18 year old daughter Lila Moss walked around in her underwear in Majorca, or Ibiza or some such other cosmopolitan European... place. Look they really do have cars there. Maybe that one belongs to the king and everyone else rides around on mules (not pictured). She's 18 so I can safely write about her underwear, although she looks younger than 18. 

And honestly that will do her a lot of good when she gets older, unlike her mom who looks like she's been smoking those big fat guy cigars and playing high stakes poker in a dirty pool hall for the last 25 years. And that picture is almost three years old. My new sources for celebrity news is totally failing me. Here I am talking about the not famous teenaged daughter of a woman that was mostly famous 30 years ago. I don't know man. I can only work with what I'm given.

Minka Kelly is Euphoric

 Minka Kelly is on a new HBO show. Euphoria? I think? Who cares as long as she wears that dress. I don't even have HBO, you think I'd pay extra for that crap? lol. She's married to Trevor Noah? So she likes funny guys. Maybe some day I'll introduce her to one (me).

Lady Gaga is Incognito

 Lady Gaga is weird. Sometimes I think she's pretty hot. This is definitely one of those times. No I don't know why she's wearing sunglasses at night. If you don't want to be recognized when you go out, maybe don't do something that will make everyone look at you. Then again, maybe that's just part of that whole "feminine mystique" I always hear so much about.

Britney Spears First Nudes

Britney Spears claims she got her first iPad. Sorry if I don't believe that crock of shit. She's a 40 year old, world famous, multimillionaire that does nothing but post on social media apps, you think she doesn't have an iPad? Bullshit. Whatever, I wasn't going to read this story at all, but she posted a picture of herself in nothing but a sport coat and high heels, and what was I supposed to do, ignore that? Where's her grease ball boyfriend while she's doing all of this? I didn't crop that picture that's how she sent it. And if she wants to send me more it's deceiverjr@gmail.com. Or she can just text them to the usual number.

Gina Krasley Dies

Gina Krasley, the "star" of My 600 Pound Life, died of a "mystery illness". 

Her death comes just weeks after Gina opened up about her struggle with an unidentified illness that had left her unable to move, battling severe pain in her legs, and suffering from numbness in her fingers.

Her legs hurt? Her extremities were numb? I'm not a doctor but maybe some of it stems from weighing 600 pounds. About three times the weight of a one year old rhinoceros. Or about as much as a fully assembled 350 cubic inch Chevy engine.  She was having trouble losing weight, but I suppose that won't be an issue now. Sorry if it seems like I don't feel bad about this, but I also don't feel bad when a junkie offs himself with a needle full of heroin. 

Bye Jen.

Okay I think we're done here. You know what they say, after the second divorce, maybe the problem is you.  If I want a virtue signaling, white bread wine mom, there are quite literally millions of them on the internet. And a lot of them aren't 52 years old. 

Simone Biles Flips

 Simone Biles is still in the news. You know, if it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't even know the Olympics were happening, and even still I only barely know, so I don't know why people keep talking about a gymnast. Sorry you have to live in a country where this kind of thing is so important. Your entire national identity is based on how well someone else does in a sporting event? Like it's the 1800s?  Maybe try moving somewhere in the 21st Century. If you have mechanized transportation where you live.

Kate Bosworth is Splitsville

Kate Bosworth is divorcing her husband... Joe ... Bosworth. When I first saw this I thought they were talking about Kate Hudson and as soon as I discovered my mistake I quit caring.